It's a big, big world

“I don’t want to be depressed any longer. This is the end. For now on, I’m going to smile 16/24 hours, (because I’ll have to sleep to, you know, happy people don’t get insomnias, do they?) I’m going to work hard and study hard all fuckyng books and chapters that I have stored in the attic. And I’m returning to my passed “I don’t think I don’t care” mood, I’ll just live for today but I won’t care about any metaphysic problems that grow up in these stupid books. ‘Cause I have finally identified my problem. I read too much confusing books. And its society, and TV, and parents who try to mislead us saying reading books is a good thing. I’m telling you here, some books are evil. Some books have the power to make you think in things that have the power to make you cry. And I’ve read them, so many of them. And after them, movies inspired by them. And I’ve downloaded pictures inspired by these movies.
Actually life is already too depressing without any of these cultural jewels. My mamma would say – leave the books on the shelves and you head in university – but unfortunately, I haven’t inherited her brains. And as you all know, I quite dislike university. That is just one of my problems. Probably the most important one, at least at long-time terms. But right now, there are some other things to think about. You don’t know me well enough to know them, and some times, neither do I. Because sometimes there are just too many of them wandering in my head and the only solution I can find is to fly away… from me. Weird? Well, maybe I’m weird. Or maybe I just read too many books! Any way, I feel like I’m out of here, like it doesn’t matter if I win or fail, if I pass or flunk, if I live or dye. And It’s definitely easier, but I’ never 100% here, nor 100% there. I’m live-dead or dead-alive, but not any of this things for certain. At this point (if my mother ever read what I write) she would be yearning to an end, with a very impatient look or her face. That’s my mom. She suffered a big-deal in her life so she doesn’t understand how well-raised and well-secured teenagers can suffer. And she’s right. I have everything I could ever want. Maybe that’s part of the problem. I should wand more. As she once said “you must be ambitious if you want to be someone in life” – well I don’t. And I’m not. I’m just waiting… to be killed. By time, by a car, by a disease. Just waiting. And now that I think about it this is quite depressing. And sad. I didn’t mean to be sad, or a victim. I know that I have friends that think that I do. They’re good friends; they just don’t like sad people. They like happy people. Everybody does, really. The more good-intentioned you are, someday you get tired of talking with a person who is 22/24 hours with a bad/depressing humor.
But today, I don’t want to be depressed any more. I want to get up and fight whatever is the obstacle that sands right ahead. I want to be like my mother, and to live like all those persons who I see in school. I don’t want to be sad.” – said the little ant just before someone crushed her.